- Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
- Chuck Norris is actually the front man for Apple. He let's Steve Jobs run the show when he's on a mission. Chuck Norris is always on a mission.
- When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
- Chuck Norris sits at the stand-up.
- As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
- Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
- Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
- All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
- Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
- Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
- In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
- "Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
- It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
- Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
- When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
- Chuck Norris hosting is 101% uptime guaranteed.
- The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
- Chuck Norris could use anything in java.util.* to kill you, including the javadocs.
- Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
- When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
- Chuck Norris doesn't have pubic hairs because hair doesn't grow on balls of steal.
- There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
- It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
- A handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
- Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.
- Chuck Norris's keyboard has the Any key.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
- What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
- Chuck Norris can taste lies.